rhapsody December 19th, 2007
THE PRIVATE LIFE OF SANTA CLAUS
BY
ERNESTINE COBERN BEYER
The Revolt of the Little Tin Soldiers
Santa, one year, was upset, so I hear,
And his nerves were most terribly jolted,
When one wintry morning, without any warning,
The little tin soldiers revolted.
The Captain, black-booted, clicked heels and saluted.
“I speak for my regiment, Santa!
We’re refusing to go through the sleet and the snow
To Kalamazoo or Atlanta!
“My men and myself shall remain on the shelf.
I know this is strictly forbidden,
But we don’t like our suits or our helmets or boots –
So, on Christmas, we plan to stay hidden!”
Cried Santa Claus: “STOP! Who’s running this shop?
I never heard sillier chatter!”
He sharpened his scrutiny. “This, sir, is mutiny!
What in tarnation’s the matter?”
The captain of tin raised his little tin chin.
“Our uniforms couldn’t be duller!
We’re ashamed to be seen in this poisonous green!
We think we’re a horrible color!”
Santa replied with a grin hard to hide,
“Your color’s your only complaint, sir?”
He loosened his buckle to let out a chuckle.
“Well, that can be altered with paint, sir!”
Smiling a lot, Santa got out a pot
And worked with his paints for a minute.
Having mixed up a shade guaranteed not to fade,
He dunked the whole regiment in it.
And so, Christmas morn, no longer forlorn,
The soldiers looked ever so jolly,
Each with his puny form decked in a uniform
Brighter and redder than holly!
*******************************************
Tommy’s Letter to Santa
Santa Claus, dressed in the loudest of vests,
Was reading his mail full of Christmas requests,
When he found Tommy’s note (rather smudgy to see)
Which said, SANTA, PLEASE SEND A BONNET TO ME!
“A bonnet?” thought Santa. The rest of the note
Said, SANTA, PLEASE BRING ME A SILK PETTICOAT!
AND PLEASE BRING A DRESS OF A COLOR NOT GLOOMY–
A BABY IS COMING, SO PLEASE MAKE IT ROOMY.
Santa glanced at his wife and remarked with a wink,
“This Tommy deserves something special, I think!
He asks for some presents,” he smilingly said,
But not for himself–for his mother, instead!”
Santa’s wife reached for a jar on the table,
A jar which had “MAGIC” inscribed on its label.
She then found a box, sprinkled magic inside it,
And helped by old Santa, she carefully tied it.
When Christmas day dawned, very sparkling and pleasant,
Tommy discovered his gaily-wrapped present.
He opened it up and stared for a minute,
The box was quite empty! Not one thing was in it!
Then he noticed a card–and surprised to his socks,
He read, “Merry Christmas, my lad! Shake the box!”
Dazed and bewildered, he put on the lid,
And rattled the box just the way he was bid.
Well, I give you my word that he’d no sooner done it
Than out fell a stylish and flattering bonnet!
He shook it again, then he stared, goggle-eyed,
For out fell a dress that was seven yards wide.
Next came some rompers and booties so small,
They seemed to be made for a real baby doll!
But that wasn’t all! Came a jumping-jack toy
And a book and a sweater just right for a boy!
Far off, Santa Claus and his missus were sitting,
He with his corncob and she with her knitting.
Their magical radio brought them the joys
Of the lad still delightedly finding his toys.
“That’s Tommy,” said Santa Claus, beaming with pride,
“He’s shaking our box with the magic inside!”
Funny Face
Santa, it seems, had been working all day,
Preparing the toys he would take in the sleigh.
Weary, he glanced at the dolls on the shelf,
All of whose faces he’d painted himself.
Pleased with his work, he consulted the clock
And began to unbutton his paint-spattered smock;
But he paused as he noticed one doll he’d forgotten.
Her face was a blank little blob of white cotton.
He chuckled: “‘Twould be the unkindest of tricks
To leave you in such an unfortunate fix!”
Her cheeks were so pale that he gave her a blush,
Then painting her face with his talented brush,
He remarked: “You’re the prettiest doll of the year.
I must fetch Mrs. Santa to see you, my dear!”
As Santa departed, a gremlin came in.
And moved toward the doll with a mischievous grin,
Seizing a brush, he proceeded with haste
To give her a look that was more to his taste.
Dear Mrs. Santa, good-natured and chubby,
Then entered the room on the heels of her hubby.
Seeing the doll, Santa gasped with a blink:
“I never painted that comical wink!”
By jingles! A gremlin has been here, I think!”
Mrs. Santa consoled him. “Her smile is so sweet,
And her wink’s so delightful, she’s really a treat.
She’ll make people chuckle, she’ll fill them with glee,
And laughter’s good medicine, don’t you agree?
She’s so funny, my dear, I know just what to do–
Why not give her to kids who have colds or the flu!”
On Christmas, he did this, I’m happy to tell . . .
And the little sick children all laughed themselves well!
Thank you to Ernestine’s daughter, Barbara Beyer Malley,
for permission to post. 
